Nowhere to Hide

Behind the Commercial Sales desk is a row of offices. One is our "office," the next one belongs to the delivery guys, and the end one is for Jen, who's job is a mystery. I believe she does something for credit accounts, but this is all speculation, all any of us can do is speculate and hypothesize her function in the Lowe's system. Anyways, I come into work one day and find that our office and the delivery office no longer have walls. The monsters came in and hacked off the walls, now there is absolutely no place to put any of our stuff, the material samples, paperwork, etc. More importantly, there is now no reprieve from the constant onslaught of the customer hordes, nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

I don't so much hide in the "office" as I do just go in there for a minute to gather myself up, take a sip of my drink, or take a few bites of my contraband sub. That's all I want to do and now they have taken that from me. Jen's mystery lair remains unscathed by the tides of change. Her office remains intact and unused. When I came in and saw this sad scene and being someone who fears change, I asked the one ASM what was going on.

ASM: This was something we were supposed to do a year ago, it's company-wide

ME: Why isn't Jen's office cut in half like the rest?

ASM: There's a lot of customer credit information in there

ME: So, a few extra feet of wall and no door makes all the difference and deters theft?

ASM: (Does not reply, merely shrugs)

There were no doors to any of the offices, just an open entryway. If Jen's office contains such valuable treasures and information, then why isn't it up front where the cash cage and manager offices are? Would it not make sense to at the very least put a door on her office with a lock? Foul play is afoot and the air reeks with it. Our shield from the invading hordes is taken away, and in addition, half our storage space is gone and now carts line the front of the Commercial Sales desk with material samples, information packets, and other stuff. Also, there's nowhere for me to post funny pictures and memes. That is a crime against humanity in my opinion. So now, I must readjust my strategy and stay mobile, never in one place for more than a few minutes if I hope to survive.

Is it illegal?

Lowe's gives employees who work a full shift are given an hour break which is unpaid. During this hour, you can do as you please. One can sit in on the banal and juvenile ramblings of 40 year old employees in the break room. If that's not how you want to spend your hour, then you can go to you car, slump as low as possible while you drag your cigarette and pray the Store Manager doesn't see you and destroy you on the spot. If the fear of losing your life or dignity of hiding a cigarette as if you're sneaking one from your parents is also not your scene, then there's still plenty of options. I never take a full hour. A quick trip to Get'Go or across the plaza where I can smoke freely is all I need to recharge and I'm back in business. There is a sub shop in the same plaza as Lowe's. Their subs are delicious and they beckon to me and tempt me as Odysseus is to the sirens. The siren subs call me during my shift and sometimes I cave and march across the lot and indulge myself. I don't like to it in there and eat, nor do I want to eat in the break room so whatever I brought or ought to eat that day, I take it back down to the lumber department.

Behind the commercial sales desk is our "office" which can translate to "empty space to store random shit." I'll eat a bit, go out and survey the department, then return and eat some more. I once sold $4,200 worth of building materials with a burger stuffed in my face, the contractor didn't care. It's in these sad moments that customers take pity on me and see me as a fellow member of the human race, not some subservient sub-human. They'll stop by, see me eating, and reassure me that everything's okay and I can finish up. Such compassion. The one day, towards the end of the night I emerged from the office, sub in hand, and am caught red-handed by the Manager on Duty (MOD).

MOD: What are you doing there?

ME: Eating my sub

MOD: You know you can't be back there eating

ME: Is it illegal or something?

MOD:...No, but it's frowned upon

ME: But it's really good, it has cherry-wood smoked bacon on it

MOD: I'm not going to bust you. But don't do it again

By this time I had emerged from behind the desk, sub in hand. As this conversation went on, I continued to eat my sub, right in front of him, he didn't know what to do. It was irritating that I hadn't seen him the whole night, didn't even know he was there and all of a sudden he decides to "manage." The only thing he "managed" was to ruin my appetite. He sure was gracious to give me a break. But what really irked me was what happened next.

MOD: Is it just you or are other people doing it? Do we have to make a general sweep?

ME: No, it's just me

That was a total lie, we eat back there all the time. Once, a co-worker brought in a pizza and we stuffed our greasy faces with slice after slice like it was our last meal. Despite this, I wasn't going to snitch on my fellow associates and what was with the term "general sweep"? It sounds like a military term like they'd come in and clear a village of hostiles. Needless to say, I ate my sub all the while and savored every bite even more with the knowledge that it was frowned upon.

P.S.
I know what you're thinking: why does he have the Sandwich Police Meme if he's talking about a sub? Well, when someone creates a law enforcement meme that deals with a sub, I'd love to use it. Until then, I must make due.