The Red Knight Rises (Red Vest Man Part II)

The Mechanical Fiend continued to question me. I tell him that we are out of units, we were wiped out and aren't expecting anymore for at least a week, if ever.

Customer: When did you last have them?

Me: About four days ago sir, we've be out since

He ponders this for a moment, his face contorts with strained thought.

Customer: Are there any other stores in the area?

I list of the number of stores in the area which seem more than what would be an appropriate number given he population. He asks for the list again, I tell him again. We do this dance one more time before I make a power move, a move that will guarantee leverage over him and the balance of power in this confrontation will tip in my favor and I will get out of here on time, my vest begins to burn, my body can only withstand it touching me for so long.

I look up our inventory on Lowe's sleek 1980's database. Lowe's will never update anything, the owner of Lowe's, whoever he is would rather be encased in cement at a random store than allot money towards updates. With this irrefutable proof I present with him my findings: that no other store has one, any A/C unit.

Customer: Call that one store

I have to leave my desk in the department to retrieve the number. I return and he is not happy.

Customer: Where did you go, Red Vest Man?

Me: I had to get the number

Customer: You had to get the number again?

I refuse to argue the fact that it was the first and only time I went to get the number. He points at one of the stores on the screen. I sigh and call. I speak to an associate at the other store and inquire to whether they have an A/C unit or not. He laughs at me and hangs up. I feign an extended conversation with the dial tone and then hang up.

Me: They are out, sir

Customer:...What are the other stores in the area?

My brain has imploded and I see red. Is he screwing with me? Is he trying to catch me up in a lie and reveal the truth that we have hidden, in the back, hundreds of A/C units like the warehouse in Indiana Jones? Finally, Ron, the guy coming in to relieve me arrives. The customer asks him and Ron viciously dampers the man's resolve with far off projected delivery dates and a no hope for the world speech. I unzip my vest right in front of him as he asks me to look up which store's have an A/C unit. I throw the vest over my shoulder. It's the endgame and he knows it,

Me: You have a GREAT DAY sir

He balls his fist and tucks it under his chin without replying and just nods.

What adventure await Red Vest Man? Only time will tell. What fiendish foes await? Will that customer service girl ever say yes? Red Vest Man will return!

P.S.: That customer service girl did say yes and three and a half years later we're engaged. We found love in a hopeless place.

The Red Vest Man Part I

A Long Time Ago in a Lowe's Far, Far Away...

 

This next story is a throw back that I feel needs sharing before the end of the semester and is a shameless attempt to garner pity points. I once worked for Lowes right when I got out of the Navy, instead of taking some time off and go on a vacation, I sought out employment merely two weeks after being discharged. I worked for a period of time at another Lowe's in a desperate part of my area where the normal rules of human behavior and dignity do not apply.

 

 

That Summer after my discharge and a few months of work at Lowe's a terrible and insufferable heat wave struck our region without warning. I know what you're thinking: Well duh, of course it's hot in the Summer. You then, must not have lived where I did. A tragic heat wave wiped out our supply of window A/C units and portable A/C's. regardless, throngs of hopefuls still scavenge up and down the narrow aisle in hopes of finding a random A/C tucked into a corner of a shelf. These are the people who didn't think that a Summer could possibly be hot but lo and behold, they are somehow wrong, their prediction for a cold Summer proved incorrect and they find themselves overheated and frustrated when staring at the barren shelves.

 

I took great delight in crushing them, "Nope, we're all out!" I would announce when questioned. My normal scowl transforms into a devilish grin when I see someone straggle into the A/C aisle. I will follow like a predator following a sickly water buffalo left by the herd. Then, when they turn to ask me, I pounce with my friendly customer service which delivers horrid and depressing news. Their heads angle downwards and they shuffle out of the aisle, back to their sweltering homes.
 

 

Suddenly, as I patrolled past the empty shelves an electric hum caught my ear. I could not discern its origin but it grew louder and louder. Where was it coming from? I peeked around the aisles and still the hum grew louder. I backed out of the aisle and the hum had become a roar behind me and I spun around and I am face to face with a portly man in one of our mobility scooters that are meant for handicapped people to utilize but I suspect he isn't handicapped, just fat and lazy, having just waddled into the store and plopped into one of the scooters, I can imagine the electric motor struggling and crying to press on with that incredible weight bearing down on it. The timing couldn't be any worse, he strikes at my weakest moment: fifteen moments before my shift ends. It is within this time that my powers are drained, my motivation shot, and my patience thin.

 

Customer: Hey Red Vest Man, you got any portable A/C's?

 

I do have a name tag on my vest, it is not obstructed in any way and the letters are clear and bold and say DAN. But I guess he can't or won't see this and has de-humanized me, I have a pet name and I don't even know him. I stare at him for a moment and that dramatic pause is a good opportunity to leave this on a cliffhanger for the sake of post brevity.

 

On the next thrilling post of Red Vest Man: Will Red Vest Man overcome this new and dangerous foe? Will he ever win the love of that one girl who works at the Customer Service Desk? Tune in next time!